How to Watch Movies with Your Chick (and Still Keep Your Nuts)

Everybody knows that chick-flicks suck. Women still insist on watching them though and they apparently insist on forcing dudes to watch them. I’ve drawn a line in the sand myself: I won’t go and you can’t make me. Not everyone however has that sort of fortitude (you know: to be kind of a dick). So what are lesser men to do?

Well, I’ll tell you. You need to be sly. Use a little camouflage and subterfuge. Pick movies you can convince a chick she’s into (or thinks she should be into) but that don’t blow. Like this.

Say Anything. This is a fairly typical teen romance/coming of age story except for one thing. It’s well written and witty with interesting characters and good performances. Chances are your chick has seen it at least three times already but don’t worry she loves it. You’ll probably like it too but you also get Grosse Pointe Blank. Not really a chick flick but still on the romance side and it has John Cusack. Chicks love them some John Cusack. Now you have precedent for ‘romcoms’ involving paid assassins. From there you watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith with Pitt and Jolie. Pow! Double whammy: chicks love them some Brad Pitt and now you’re watching Fight Club or cite the Angelina Jolie precedent and you’re watching Wanted.

Bonus Points: The Professional. More hit men but most chicks will respond to the relationship between Leon and Matilda. Be careful though. If she figures out that little girl is the same Natalie Portman you now lust after she’ll call you a dirty bastard. She’s probably right you perv.

Thelma and Louise. Some people already consider this a chick-flick. It’s not a chick-flick it’s a buddy-flick. I submit to you that Thelma and Louise has much more in common with Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid than with Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. A buddy story follows the same general arc as a love story but replaces romantic love with friendship (that’s from Story by Robert McKee). It’s all good though because Thelma and Louise do love each other and now you can watch Bound, a little film by the Wachowskis. This is a tight film noir where there’s not one femme fatale but two. You know. Together. Good stuff.

Ones to avoid: Juno. Don’t get me wrong, this is a good movie. Comedic take on a serious subject with a great script by Diablo Cody and great performances from the cast. But that cast is led by Ellen Page. Your chick might want more Ellen Page and get Hard Candy. You don’t want to watch that one with your chick.