Evolving a Story: the writing group feedback loop – Part 2

Infinite loop by Faruk Ateş
(kurafire)

Yesterday, I posted the start of this series, giving our readers a glimpse into the process of incorporating notes from trusted readers. Given the notes and recommendations I had received, I scrapped the original story as written and developed a revised opening (despite already having continued along the original storyline, some pieces of which may find their way back in later).  Instead of a team of researchers, I re-imagined the process as a single agent acting as the initial contact with a report that the group had deemed as having real possibility.  This new opening is set “in the moment”:

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Team Approach – revised beginning

“Well, it sure took you guys long enough to send someone out here.  I posted on your website a bunch of times over the last year.”  Dressed in a camouflage shirt, jeans, work boots, and a red cap proclaiming Budweiser as the King of Beers, Mickey Barton looked every bit as Thom Champlain had expected.  As the local liaison for the Extra-normal Research Group, Thom had come to this remote canyon with Mickey to ascertain whether the strange phenomena that Mickey had reported was something the group would be interested in studying.

“Like I said, Mickey, sometimes it takes a little while for reports to work their way through the queue.  We recognize that folks on the ground give us our best leads, but the volume is such that it can take some time to find the golden nuggets in the sand. I appreciate you taking the time to bring me out here personally, though.”  Thom hoped this would placate the man’s surly feelings.

“My pleasure, I’m super interested in finding out what’s going on.  I’ve been camping in this same area for many years so I can tell when something’s not quite right.”

They trudged through the brush for another hour before Mickey pulled up and pointed ahead, “Right here’s where I shot the video I sent you.  I know it didn’t capture the full impact of what I saw, but I’m not a pro where that kind of thing is concerned, just happened to have my phone out.”

“Ok, we’ll set up here then – I’ve brought some stuff with me that should help get a clearer picture.  We’ve got a couple of hours before sundown.”

Thom unshouldered his backpack and carefully unpacked the two instruments that were light enough to bring on the hike.  He arranged the motion sensor array where Mickey had indicated and then hooked it up to the high resolution digital video camera.  The whole thing came together when the two worked in tandem with the camera tracking to the motion sensors.  All automatic and very precise.  If there was something to be seen out here, they’d get the necessary footage, for sure.  And Mickey seemed confident that there was something to be seen out here.

Thom enlisted Mickey’s help in testing the gear once it was set up.  This was more to engage Mickey in the process than out of necessity.  Most often, he worked alone.  And most often, he found nothing out of the ordinary.  But that was the local liaison’s job: get a trained set of eyes on things, separate the wheat from the chaff before bringing in a full team.  Eventually, Thom hoped to move up in the ranks and take on the more interesting assignments.  But the group worked on a merit basis, you had to prove yourself in the lower ranks, pay your dues with no screw-ups and patiently wait for the invite.  The group provided the tools to let the liaison’s do their job, after all, it was talent in using those tools that got you noticed.

After testing the gear, the two men just had to wait for nightfall.  They had seen nothing out of the ordinary so far, but Mickey had indicated in his reports that the strange things only happened at night.  That had Thom a bit skeptical.  After all, he was well aware that the extra-normal was not usually on a timetable and it was only a perception that night brought out more of the weird.  With the instruments calibrated, there wasn’t much chance that they’d miss anything.  Minutes gave way to hours and day gave way to night.  Thom was beginning to think he’d wasted the better part of a day when one of the sensors chirped, something that sounded all too natural.  It wouldn’t do to have some alarm blaring, skewing the results by scaring off whatever had caused the sensor to trip.

Thom peered into the darkness, not surprised that he didn’t see anything himself.  The video equipment was scanning infrared as well as capturing the visible spectrum with an extremely sensitive low-light mechanism.  Whatever it was that had engaged the equipment would show up when they reviewed the footage.  Thom would perform a preliminary check in the morning, then send the data on up the food chain.

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The notes I received when reviewing this revised piece with the writing group were more focused on specifics as compared to the last batch:

1. Give each character a perspective and more interaction/conversation – the characters feel 2 dimensional, need to put some meat on them.

2. What if you approach it like Thom’s done this 100 times – 99 failures to get to a single success – how would that affect his motivation?

3. You make mention of a chirp sound – expand that to heighten the tension

4. Make stronger contrast between the two men.  Thom as the professional, Mickey as excited to be a part of the experience

5. What if you have a faster heighten – start late, leave early – start with them already on site and get right to the reveal.  Hook the reader early.

6. Even the lightest equipment isn’t easy to hump out into the wilderness, so pare it down to the essentials and give a reason for that specific equipment to have been brought along.

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I felt that these notes were more about finessing the story particulars vs it being in need of major overhaul.  Come back tomorrow to see the “final” version of this piece, mostly dialed in and ready to be the cornerstone upon which the story is anchored.